Blinders

There are lots of days, like today, where I’m pretending. I’m putting on the blinders, making like we have no issues, acting as though, and believing as though, all is well.

That’s not a bad thing. It’s not delusional, it’s not fakery, it’s not neglect or ignorance.

It’s all about letting ourselves have our moments where mental health, anxiety, depression, wellness, illness, don’t even factor into the equation.

Even when I look at her and can see evidence of distress, I can put it aside sometimes, because she’s still here. She’s here, she’s with me, she’s moving forward and doing things that prepare for her future. I’m well aware that there are many families who don’t have their daughters anymore. I have mine, and I’m blessed and counting blessings every minute of every day. We have second chances, we have any chances, we have each other.

So, for today, we’re all about the sunshine. Taking a moment to go window shopping, and an early morning cafe visit, because we can. Doing domestic things and enjoying each other’s company, because we can.

Why is this most ordinary of days worthy of a blog post, you ask? Lots of people get those days every day, so what’s the big deal?

Well, we don’t.

So for today, I pretend that she isn’t wracked with anxiety, and she pretends that she’s a teenager without anything else under the surface. We talk about hair colour and gardening, and cats. And should she start saving for a car? Public transit has its benefits. We talk about other instances and examples of autism in our family, and whether or not she wants to go forward with an assessment, and the subject moves towards our plans for summer camping.

I love this. I love these days, and I love these conversations, where my anxiety is diminished, and I don’t worry about the darkness. These are the days when I know she’s got spark and I know she wants this. So today, we pretend we have it.

Aren’t blinders a piece of protective gear? Could be. They are for me. For today, anyway.

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