Lost? Or Still Looking?

We’ll be getting more assessments, more appointments, more questions, and hoping beyond hope that we get answers. So far we have none.

Counsellor suspects Borderline Personality Disorder, which brings up way more questions than it answers. The suspicion is that, regardless of any traits or patterns I may have noticed from the day daughter was born, because she seems to have separation anxiety, and even a fear of abandonment, the suspicion is BPD.

But? But?

Is that something that can be with you from birth?

Is it something that can be a part of your very soul, your make up? Because whatever it is that she has, she’s always had it. She was bullied in elementary school, and things got worse after that, but she’s always had it. She’s always had separation anxiety, and she’s always always always had difficulty with changes in relationships.

Daughter told counsellor that she has trouble in social situations, and doesn’t really “get” girl talk, and doesn’t really even care too much about it. She said that she will often adapt herself to whatever social situation she finds herself in, so that if a group of kids is talking about a subject, she’ll go along with it like she knows, even if she doesn’t.

Counsellor says that that also leads her to suspect BPD.

But these are ASD traits, too, aren’t they?

Daughter told counsellor that she’ll chase after people who are upset with her in order to keep them from leaving her. She also said that when she’s angry at people, or if they do something to hurt her, she will feel like she doesn’t want to continue the relationship.

That does sound like BPD to me.

But? But?

But it also doesn’t. But it does.

I’m so confused, and kind of lost.

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It is not news to me that my daughter has mental illnesses. Depression and anxiety have been constant companions for her for a very long time, and we’ve been looking for answers and relief for her for just about as long. But counsellor made it sound as though BPD was literally on the edge of psychopathy.

Is my baby that sick?

So I’m afraid.

DaughterΒ says she just wants to know. She just wants to figure it out so she can get her therapy to start actually helping, so she can start working towards feeling better without spinning her wheels all the time. She just wants to feel better. And that is just not too much to ask.

She’s thin. And she has so. many. scars.

I’m scared.

But. Once more, I will be strong. Hell, if she can manage to confront her demons every day, and not let it take her down, I can stifle a few tears. I will keep my promise to her β€” we’ll keep looking until we find answers, and we’ll work at it, we’ll do everything we can to help her feel better.

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4 thoughts on “Lost? Or Still Looking?

  1. Oh my dear friend, I hear the agony in your words πŸ’ I’m not an expert but I do know two things–that Borderline Personality Disorder is acquired in later teenage years or early 20s (i.e., not present at birth or younger childhood), and that it’s a common misdiagnosis for Asperger’s/autistic people, especially females.

    If I were in your shoes, I would (do my best to) get a second opinion. Tania Marshall has a list of providers (although it’s a little dated, it might be a good starting place). Not easy, I know πŸ’ž But the story isn’t over yet 😊

    Sending you lots of love and strength ❀️❀️
    ~The Silent Wave Blog writer/Laina 🌟🌟

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    1. ❀ ❀ Thank you, kind, sweet Laina! I needed that encouragement! You're so right, we're not done yet. I re-read your post about the differences between BPD and ASD, and I'm searching for more information. Tania Marshall's site is SO fabulous for resources, information, and support, and it was one of the first places I started looking when I first suspected ASD.

      Hopefully we can get the assessments done sooner rather than later. The person who will be conducting the assessments is very busy, so …. The sooner she's assessed, the sooner she can start making the most of her therapy.

      Thank you!! ❀ ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re very welcome, sweet friend!! I admire your strength and your devotion to your precious child; she is lucky to have been born to you! You’re aware and open and wonderful, and nothing beats a mama’s instinct πŸ˜˜πŸ’ž. Sending continued strength and happy positive thoughts πŸŒŸπŸ’–πŸŒŸ

        Liked by 1 person

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