It’s Christmas Eve!


I’ve been trying to feel it, and feeling like a failure for failing to feel it.

That changed this morning. It’s Christmas Eve!

I want to give a beautiful good morning to all the parents and loved ones of depressed people (and the depressed people themselves). I don’t have the answers this morning; every day I wake up and wish and hope that today will be the day there is a cure. Maybe, maybe. I have to keep hoping.

I want to tell you that you’re not alone. When it feels as though you don’t have any hope left, when it feels as though she’ll never get better, when it feels like it’s so hard to see him in such pain, I’d like to offer a hand to hold. I will hold your hand so that you can hold hers.

Today I will try not to let expectations of “Christmas” infringe on what my daughter feels she needs. On what I feel I need. Still, today I will try to bring some joy into our home, because today I feel strong. I’m sitting here with the Christmas lights blinking, everyone still asleep. It’s beautiful, and I want to let it be beautiful.

Truthfully, too, I’m anxious for 2014 to end. I want the fear and sadness to find their way out. They’ve overstayed their welcome.

My beautiful girl, my sweet girl deserves to have her brain to herself without the chains.

For today, I’m hoping that she can enjoy the excitement. I’m hoping that her sister can show her, remind her, that it’s the best time to be a kid. (Her sister has a unique way of taking care of her, and I’m grateful for it every day.)

If you’re grieving, I want to hold your hand. I want to tell you that I’m sorry, that I so wish you didn’t have to feel this pain. I want to wrap my arms around you and try, in some way, to bring you comfort. For you, it’s infinitely hard to be okay, especially today. I’m sorry.

If you’re worried and anxious about a loved one, I want to hold your hand. I wish I had some advice for you, and I wish I could make the fear go away. Some days I look into my daughter’s eyes and wish I could just hold her like when she was 2, and we’d read for hours, and I know she wishes it, too. I wish for you that you’re able to connect with your loved one in some way, and let them know how much you love them, and that they’ll feel it and know it, and that somehow it will make all the difference in the world. Today, I hope your love is enough, just like today, I hope my love is enough for my daughter.

Always hoping. Let this be a beautiful day, even if beauty is your favourite colour of Christmas light and that’s the only beauty you can manage. I hope you have a real hand to hold. My virtual one is here, sending love and strength however I can.


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